My mind trying to make sense of the daydreams and the people, places. What do they mean? Why are they here? Maybe they exist in another dimension and I am watching their lives. Tapped into a reality show from another realm. I watch from the corner of my eye for a portal. Maybe a door or gateway to step into their world. That’s not logical. But neither are the dreams. People I don’t know, places I have never been. A life I never lived in a time I was not born. Why is it all in my mind? playing like an old movie that gives you a deja vu feeling. Reminds me of song lyrics, “I’m kinda homesick, for a country. To where I have never been before. No sad goodbyes, will there be spoken, because time won’t matter anymore.”
Sorry I have been away so long. I go through phases where I just can’t talk about it. Do you have reoccurring themes? Are they telling you something? I keep having these where traumatic things happen. It all seems to be around forgiving, moving on after someone hurts you. But what doesn’t make sense to me is that I think I learned that lesson long ago. Having been through a cheating spouse, divorce,etc. I forgave and went on with my life. I don’t sit around thinking of revenge or still hold any grudges. I let it go a long time ago. So why is this theme always coming back? A MDD friend suggested it is more of a premonition preparing me for something to come. Don’t want that to be right. It does seem to always relate to a movie plot, like I see something happen in a movie that is disturbing and my mind is like, “what would you do if it happened to you?” Then I spend weeks stuck in a DD forcing me to live that scenario. How do I stop this? Why can’t I have those pleasant DDs about fame, fortune, happiness?
I read someone’s blog post entitled “feeling Nostalgic”. They spoke of missing their grandparents. I thought about my grandparents. I didn’t have any fond memories of them to miss. They either passed when I was young or lived too far away to know that well. I don’t seem to have any memories worth missing. So I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. I guess that can be a good thing or bad. No one can say I live in the past, but I don’t live in the present either. I have hope for the future, but don’t contemplate it often. So where do I live? In another realm, or maybe a different dimension. At least part of my mind does. While my body goes through the motions of life. Like living in a black and white movie, void of life. I long for that feeling of living in the moment, the now. Experiencing every moment to the fullest. But I don’t know how to do that.
Prof. Somer described different pathways to Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD) and corresponding treatment approaches.
The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness,not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But many claim the title for just that reason. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.
Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.
When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat.
My latest attempt at a cure or treatment is mind control. Heard a man talking about it on the radio show Coast to Coast AM. I ordered one called Serenity. It has shadowed subliminal messages or affirmations in with oceans sounds. You can choose nature sounds or music. The sound of waves is soothing to me anyway. The company is called InnerTalk, I liked them because they provide a list of all the messages in the recording, so you don’t wonder what they are really telling you to do. I had one company refuse to tell what the messages were, like it was a big secret. What if they were saying send me money or something. I also liked that you could be doing other things while listening, like working on the computer. Unlike the self hypnosis ones I tried that always wanted you to relax and close your eyes. I always fell asleep.
Well, I started over the weekend and have had the greatest amount of success out of all the treatments I’ve tried. It seems to have blocked the involuntary part and I am just left with the habit part. Which isn’t all that easy to break but it is doable. I have noticed what could be withdrawal symptoms. Kind of feeling lost, not knowing what to think about. Trying to find real things to fill the time and thoughts. But this is a good problem to have right? Anyway it seems like a good therapy that is helping me over come this MDD. One day at a time.
I was listening to a radio show and the guy was talking about what we visualize or daydream becomes our future. I have always heard what you think or ponder the most will come to pass. Your subconscious will work to make it a reality. That is why it is not good to think on negative things, like if someone imagines themselves doing a crime sooner or later they will find opportunity to do the crime for real. Well this got me thinking about how MDD would play into this. If you daydream about things that are not possible to become reality what does your subconscious do with these cues? Not like normal daydreams where a person gets a better job or is more healty etc, but the type including impossibilities like time travel, super human abilities etc. Does this get our minds stuck, in a loop? Like feeding bad data into a computer program, it will not be able to complete the calculations. So it may get stuck (my internet browser does that all the time) not able to move on to other things. This may keep us from having the motivation to go on the better things and may stop the “projection” of synchronicity. Some believe your subconscious will send out “requests” for the “universe” to bring to reality through chance encounters. Not saying I believe that but it does make sense that MDD could be limiting us from reaching our potential. What do you think?