I thought I had escaped. I did for a while. I tried exercising the demon. Banishing him from my mind. I was doing good for the second week. Keeping my mind focused and replacing the thoughts as they popped up. Then last night I had an odd dream. I all most never remember dreams. But in the dream the one who had haunted me through maladaptive daydreams was there. And as I woke the night dream flowed into a waking dream. It keep going and all of a sudden I realized I was a prisoner again. Is there no key to my chains?
I caught and released two doves today. They had gotten stuck in my chicken lot. They are such beautiful birds. Soft eyes. I looked up the meaning of the dove symbol. Peace, serenity, hope. I like that. I need that.
I have come to terms with the fact that many people like me did not have a happy childhood to remember and that we should look to the future to make new happy memories and not look behind and mourn what we missed. Maybe our dreams are trying to rewrite our story. I want to resist this and look forward.
We have a support group on facebook, for those wanting to over come this disorder. Wanting to live in the real world and help others cope with it.
The trees are budding and blooming. It’s only March so I fear a killing frost but the sight of the blooms gives hope. Like the gloom is lifting. Fighting the dreams, yearning for the feeling of reality. Being able to go outside and walk is helping.
Many of the themes of the dreams involve being trapped, or captive. What could this mean? Do I feel trapped? in my real life? I have a good life, I don’t long for anything. I want to be satisfied with reality. I think I am. I don’t know what I would change if I could change something. So is my subconscious telling me something? If so I don’t know what the message is. Do you think daydreams can be interpreted like night dreams? Night dreams are based on your subconscious trying to fix you. But they say daydreams are your desires and longings, I don’t agree. The things in my daydreams are not happy things, not things I long for. They are struggles, sadness, fear.
I am so irritable lately. In a bad dip of depression and anxiety then hit with a financial crisis that left me so stressed I can’t think. The DDs came on so strong and I was so weak from all the stress that it has tormented me ruthlessly. I am at a loss of how to regain my sanity. I tried walking but it just increased the anxiety, I can’t be still enough to meditate. I just want to scream. I may have to give in and take a nerve pill. I wish I could do something.