Blurring the line

fog1The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness,not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But many claim the title for just that reason. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.

Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.

When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat. 

Lost in a Fog

ImageI seem to be lost in a fog lately. A mental fog of confusion. I haven’t been able to come up with ideas for a new topic for the radio show. I can’t think, can’t remember. The MDD is so strong, I just walk through my days like going through a thick fog. Stumbling over things I forgot to do. When faced with a task, a decision, I feel lost. Like everything is going to explode, or fall apart. I can’t focus to take action, I just freeze, fight back the tears. The anxiety becomes so strong, I don’t know what to do. The smallest thing becomes a cataclysm. Like being surrounded by a dense fog and hearing something coming. You feel you need to run, but fear of falling or running into something in the fog because you can’t see through it. I need someone to take my hand and lead me through. I need to be rescued.