Logic of the illogical

Isles-of-Lewis

My mind trying to make sense of the daydreams and the people, places. What do they mean? Why are they here? Maybe they exist in another dimension and I am watching their lives. Tapped into a reality show from another realm. I watch from the corner of my eye for a portal. Maybe a door or gateway to step into their world. That’s not logical. But neither are the dreams. People I don’t know, places I have never been. A life I never lived in a time I was not born. Why is it all in my mind? playing like an old movie that gives you a deja vu feeling. Reminds me of song lyrics, “I’m kinda homesick, for a country. To where I have never been before. No sad goodbyes, will there be spoken, because time won’t matter anymore.”

What are you trying to tell me?

Sorry I have been away so long. I go through phases where I just can’t talk about it. Do you have reoccurring themes? Are they telling you something? I keep having these where traumatic things happen. It all seems to be around forgiving, moving on after someone hurts you. But what doesn’t make sense to me is that I think I learned that lesson long ago. Having been through a cheating spouse, divorce,etc. I forgave and went on with my life. I don’t sit around thinking of revenge or still hold any grudges. I let it go a long time ago. So why is this theme always coming back? A MDD friend suggested it is more of a premonition preparing me for something to come. Don’t want that to be right. It does seem to always relate to a movie plot, like I see something happen in a movie that is disturbing and my mind is like, “what would you do if it happened to you?” Then I spend weeks stuck in a DD forcing me to live that scenario. How do I stop this? Why can’t I have those pleasant DDs about fame, fortune, happiness?

Not Feeling Nostalgic

casa

 

I read someone’s blog post entitled “feeling Nostalgic”. They spoke of missing their grandparents. I thought about my grandparents. I didn’t have any fond memories of them to miss. They either passed when I was young or lived too far away to know that well. I don’t seem to have any memories worth missing. So I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. I guess that can be a good thing or bad. No one can say I live in the past, but I don’t live in the present either. I have hope for the future, but don’t contemplate it often. So where do I live? In another realm, or maybe a different dimension. At least part of my mind does. While my body goes through the motions of life. Like living in a black and white movie, void of life. I long for that feeling of living in the moment, the now. Experiencing every moment to the fullest. But I don’t know how to do that. 

Blurring the line

fog1The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness,not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But many claim the title for just that reason. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.

Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.

When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat. 

magnetic treatment for MDD?

I just read this article on new insights into the default network and how they think magnatic fields can be used to better control it in depression, PTSD, schizophrenia, (and I think MDD)

https://www.google.com/url?q=http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-11-scientists-brain-network-attention-daydreaming.html&ct=ga&cd=MTE3MjkxODcwMzE5NDM0NzkwNDM&cad=CAEYAA&usg=AFQjCNFvmdGjahRFl4wft6fd0a26Vff-ig