Sorry I have been away so long. I go through phases where I just can’t talk about it. Do you have reoccurring themes? Are they telling you something? I keep having these where traumatic things happen. It all seems to be around forgiving, moving on after someone hurts you. But what doesn’t make sense to me is that I think I learned that lesson long ago. Having been through a cheating spouse, divorce,etc. I forgave and went on with my life. I don’t sit around thinking of revenge or still hold any grudges. I let it go a long time ago. So why is this theme always coming back? A MDD friend suggested it is more of a premonition preparing me for something to come. Don’t want that to be right. It does seem to always relate to a movie plot, like I see something happen in a movie that is disturbing and my mind is like, “what would you do if it happened to you?” Then I spend weeks stuck in a DD forcing me to live that scenario. How do I stop this? Why can’t I have those pleasant DDs about fame, fortune, happiness?
I read someone’s blog post entitled “feeling Nostalgic”. They spoke of missing their grandparents. I thought about my grandparents. I didn’t have any fond memories of them to miss. They either passed when I was young or lived too far away to know that well. I don’t seem to have any memories worth missing. So I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. I guess that can be a good thing or bad. No one can say I live in the past, but I don’t live in the present either. I have hope for the future, but don’t contemplate it often. So where do I live? In another realm, or maybe a different dimension. At least part of my mind does. While my body goes through the motions of life. Like living in a black and white movie, void of life. I long for that feeling of living in the moment, the now. Experiencing every moment to the fullest. But I don’t know how to do that.
The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness,not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But many claim the title for just that reason. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.
Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.
When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat.
My latest attempt at a cure or treatment is mind control. Heard a man talking about it on the radio show Coast to Coast AM. I ordered one called Serenity. It has shadowed subliminal messages or affirmations in with oceans sounds. You can choose nature sounds or music. The sound of waves is soothing to me anyway. The company is called InnerTalk, I liked them because they provide a list of all the messages in the recording, so you don’t wonder what they are really telling you to do. I had one company refuse to tell what the messages were, like it was a big secret. What if they were saying send me money or something. I also liked that you could be doing other things while listening, like working on the computer. Unlike the self hypnosis ones I tried that always wanted you to relax and close your eyes. I always fell asleep.
Well, I started over the weekend and have had the greatest amount of success out of all the treatments I’ve tried. It seems to have blocked the involuntary part and I am just left with the habit part. Which isn’t all that easy to break but it is doable. I have noticed what could be withdrawal symptoms. Kind of feeling lost, not knowing what to think about. Trying to find real things to fill the time and thoughts. But this is a good problem to have right? Anyway it seems like a good therapy that is helping me over come this MDD. One day at a time.
My friend wrote this, he is a minister who suffers from depression.
I just read this article on new insights into the default network and how they think magnatic fields can be used to better control it in depression, PTSD, schizophrenia, (and I think MDD)
MDD is a self-absorbed condition. Keeping you focused on yourself, what is going on in your own world, your own reality. This is a very unhealthy way to live, for yourself and the planet. We need to be aware of the needs of others and all things around us. It is helpful to make time to do things for others, charity work, volunteering, etc. It pulls you out of your mind and into reality. It also helps with depression. Doing good for others is doing good for yourself.
Me being an extreme introvert I found it very hard to find a way to make this work for me. But I think I have found a way. Being kind and caring to animals is also a way of selfless giving. I am much better with animals then people. I adopted two shelter dogs, and volunteered to foster for the human society. So I am making a difference in the lives of animals who can’t help themselves and it is in turn helping me. I find happiness in a wagging tail, and get pulled into reality by sloppy kisses and squeaky toys. Having the dogs around has cut down on my MDD. I encourage you all to look for a way to give of yourself and see what a difference it can make.