Sorry I have been away so long. I go through phases where I just can’t talk about it. Do you have reoccurring themes? Are they telling you something? I keep having these where traumatic things happen. It all seems to be around forgiving, moving on after someone hurts you. But what doesn’t make sense to me is that I think I learned that lesson long ago. Having been through a cheating spouse, divorce,etc. I forgave and went on with my life. I don’t sit around thinking of revenge or still hold any grudges. I let it go a long time ago. So why is this theme always coming back? A MDD friend suggested it is more of a premonition preparing me for something to come. Don’t want that to be right. It does seem to always relate to a movie plot, like I see something happen in a movie that is disturbing and my mind is like, “what would you do if it happened to you?” Then I spend weeks stuck in a DD forcing me to live that scenario. How do I stop this? Why can’t I have those pleasant DDs about fame, fortune, happiness?
Tag Archives: coping
Not Feeling Nostalgic
I read someone’s blog post entitled “feeling Nostalgic”. They spoke of missing their grandparents. I thought about my grandparents. I didn’t have any fond memories of them to miss. They either passed when I was young or lived too far away to know that well. I don’t seem to have any memories worth missing. So I have nothing to feel nostalgic about. I guess that can be a good thing or bad. No one can say I live in the past, but I don’t live in the present either. I have hope for the future, but don’t contemplate it often. So where do I live? In another realm, or maybe a different dimension. At least part of my mind does. While my body goes through the motions of life. Like living in a black and white movie, void of life. I long for that feeling of living in the moment, the now. Experiencing every moment to the fullest. But I don’t know how to do that.
Blurring the line
The line between reality and something else. I can tell when my illness is getting worse. Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder is an illness,not an excuse to waste your life fantasizing about what you will never have the will to try. But many claim the title for just that reason. But to me it is most diffidently an illness. Does the depression come from the worsening MDD or does it cause the depression? I don’t know. But when you walk outside and the thought enters your mind, “I wouldn’t want to go to that other world wearing this outfit”. Then you know the line is thin. Your mind is contemplating passing through to your fantasy world, like it could be done.
Are you ever afraid to say what your going through? even in a MDD group where most probably have gone through it also. Sometimes putting it into words makes it that much more frightening. That’s one reason I have been away from this blog so long. When you put it into words and step back, you say, wow, do I really do that? think that? Maybe I need to be committed, put in a hospital. lol, sometimes I dream of that happening. I sit unspeaking in a garden in the hospital courtyard. Lost to the world, living in my mind. But I am still functioning so I guess it’s not that bad yet.
When it gets bad, I function. But that is all. Just taking one step in front of the other, going through the routine of the day. You function but can’t think to the future. So you can’t make plans for things like doctor visits, projects to start or finish. You just function till it gets better. Your mind whirls and you want to scream, “make it stop!” You want to sleep, to rest, to not be anxious. You forget what it feels like to be calm. That’s where I am right now. Well, I guess being able to come here and write this means I’m coming out of the darkness somewhat.
Maladaptive Daydreaming- Disaster
How has the recent disasters affected you? Do you find yourself escaping into your dream world to void the harsh reality we can’t face? The bombings in Boston, the explosion in Texas, and all the images we can’t seem to get out of our heads. I have found that it is just the opposite for me. At the time when I need to escape the most, I can’t. Isn’t that strange? When I want to live in reality, enjoy my real life, my mind intrudes with the daydreams, steeling my time and concentration.
Even in my personal life I find this to be true. When one of my dogs developed a high fever and was found to have a large tumor in his lungs, I didn’t want to face it, I wanted to daydream. But couldn’t. We had to let him go the next day. I didn’t want to think about him, it just made me cry. I had him over 10 yrs. But I could not escape the pain by daydreaming. Why is this?
I guess it is safer for us that our minds try to stay in reality when things around us are stressful. But it is even a crueler joke on us to have this “disorder” that separates us from reality except when we desperately want it to.
talk about fantasy with fantasy writers.
Maladaptive Daydreaming- Does anyone know?
Does anyone know? Is MD a hidden secret for you? Should we tell? Having someone to talk to about it, to give you support in dealing with MD and the additional symptoms is very helpful. But….will the people closet to you understand? Since we are mostly self diagnosed due to the limited study done on this disorder, it is harder to explain it to those around us. I don’t like using the word daydream. It seems to bring up a preconceived notion of laziness and nonsense. How do we make people understand how serious this disorder can be? And how much it can affect our lives.
Time to come out of the closet. It is hard enough to deal with the disorder without having to try to hide it too. I decided to ask my husband if he could notice when I was having a difficult time dealing with my illness. Kind of funny considering he doesn’t know about my dealing with maladaptive daydreaming disorder. He knows I have anxiety and depression which are mainly results OF my MD. I don’t think he wants to know any more. To know would put a reasonable responsibility on you to be supportive and help. If you ignore it, then you don’t have to deal with it at all. Listen in to the show, you can decide for yourself if he is choosing to be willfully ignorant of the extent of my disorder. Remember that I was diagnosed with bipolar I don’t agree with that but still, my husband was told that. But when asked, he just thinks I get stressed out sometimes. So, I don’t talk about it to him. I talk to you guys!
It’s time to talk about mental illness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XtzztmIWfo
When your family won’t believe you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwekOHhy9m4
Wild minds forum post – Does anyone know?
Maladaptive Daydreaming- Intermissions and Remission
Do you have intermissions? A time between the end of one daydream and the beginning of another. Or do your daydreams flow continually? Mine start and stop and the time in between is very disturbing, full of anxiety. Like someone changing the channels while you’re watching tv. Scenes will flash through my mind, some from the daydream that just ended, some from past daydreams, all with strong emotional events. Sometimes the same one will repeat changing some details.
Even though this is a time of mental upheaval and confusion I try to prolong it as much as I can. Due to the simple fact that I am not controlled by a daydream in that time. I try to keep myself distracted much like you do a fussy toddler. Even talking out load to myself, “look, at that, isn’t that interesting” But like a fussy toddler it only works for a short time. Sooner or later a new image will lock in and take off. I will be left mentally exhausted. Strange, my mind will then quiet some, allowing me some use of the leftover attention and consciousness. As the new daydream runs along in the background. Is there a way to grasp our sanity in this space of time and shut down the default network? I think I will try using the mindfulness meditation during the down time to see what happens.
There are some who do not have this down time or intermissions. They have a whole other life that runs along the same time line as their current one, sometimes for years. Their characters age along with them. The founder of Wild minds network was mentioned in a Yahoo article that described her fantasy world as being decades long.
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/daydreams-dont-stop-strange-true-condition-130800916.html
“Cordellia Amethyste Rose leads a double life. There’s the version we can see: Cordellia the withdrawn, anxious 32-year-old with two cats. And there’s the version only Cordellia sees, a decades-long fantasy of her idealized self, who is also named Cordellia (but goes by Baby) and is a successful musician/actress with a husband and eight children.”
I also have a friend who is a writer and he says his daydreams continually run. He has written a book based on the daydream characters and says the story didn’t end where he ended the book. It continues day to day. I find this fascinating and very foreign to my experience. Maybe I am the one who is the odd one in this matter. I’m glad mine have not continued, since they are mostly disturbing and depressing. More like reoccurring nightmares then pleasant fantasy retreats.
Remission
Recovering from Chronic Mental Illness: Reconciling With Relapse
“The word remission is different than the word recovered. Remission implies, in the context of chronic mental illness, an abating of symptoms, a period of stability. A time in which life moves as smoothly as it can. It’s lovely, but you ask yourself, will it last? Will I relapse? In my life, this question bothers me immensely. But it’s something I try not to think about, and you might want to do the same. If we are focused on the possibility of relapse when in remission, the stress of that can, in fact, trigger an episode.
That is the most difficult part: forgetting that a chronic mental illness is, in fact, chronic. Remission is often determined to be recovered. When the symptoms of mental illness are gone, when you are stable, you are in recovery. The symptoms of the mental illness have lessened. But if you cannot accept the reality of relapse, that it might happen or it might not, recovery is fruitless. You cannot enjoy it. Recovery, remission, hard fought, should be cherished but it’s difficult, to say the least, to ignore the word relapse. To live without it dwelling in the back of your psyche.
Learning to Embrace the Reality of Relapse
This is a tall order. Is it possible to embrace the notion that we might not always be well? I argue that in order to become well, to stay well, we must.
You cannot walk through life full of fear. Well, you can, but that isn’t living at all. It is simply existing. The body is not properly connected to the mind. In order to recover, to achieve remission, you must understand that you might relapse. Your life will probably not be entirely smooth. It might be a bit harder than those who do not have a chronic mental illness, it probably will be, but your life is worth fighting for.”
I went into remission. Recently during an intermission, the struggle to prevent a new story from kicking in got easier. I continued to distract myself and kept busy. Trying to keep my mind focused on work. After a few hours I was really confused by the weakening of the changing pictures in my mind. My mood was more upbeat as well. It would seem the depression was going into remission as well. One day, one night, two days, two nights, I couldn’t believe my mind was clear. I felt normal again. No more depression, or coldness. I didn’t need to be away from people. I was actually enjoying other people’s company. But I was very fearful about it coming back. How long would I have? After a year and 8 months struggling with MD, I tried to accept this time as a gift and live it to the fullest. Take it day by day and see how it went.
Now I did not just get stronger will or something like that. I fought just as hard every time a DD ended, and during. Trying to stop it. This remission had nothing to do with my will power or efforts. It is just my mind or chemistry or something outside of my control. It stopped as quickly as it began and just as uncontrollably. After 5 days it came back. The sadness of it returned as well. I wish I knew why it stopped, so I could repeat it. But I haven’t a clue. I can only hope and pray it will stop again. Until then I guess I should go back and relisten to the shows on coping and accepting. 🙂
Maladaptive Daydreaming- Coping day to day
In psychology, coping is “constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage specific external and/or internal demands that are appraised as taxing” or “exceeding the resources of the person”. Coping is thus expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.
Are we coping? I guess we are in our own way, in differing degrees. As a functioning MDer what is your day like? How do you cope? I found a youtube video from a young girl who is struggling with MD. I can really relate to her feelings of despair. I’ve been in that dark place and return there from time to time. But in between those lowest times I do cope. I manage to go to work, to maintain a marriage. It is often a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing if you will make to the next step. But you seem to. And so you go through the day, through a standard routine, morning, evening, night. Existing, not really living, just existing. Is that coping? I guess, anyway it is all I can manage right now.
So, what do you do to cope? I think having a normal routine does help. If I didn’t HAVE to go to work I would probably stay in bed every day and fall into a very deep depression. So having responsibilities is helpful. Animals that depend on you, gives you a sense of being needed, having a purpose to getting out of bed. Staying away from things that trigger mental images, like fiction books, certain music. I listen to alot of talk radio, trying to focus on what the person is saying, hopefully learning things in the process. There are times when I realize the show is over and I zoned out 30 mins before. So I just start back at the last place I remember. I have to try hard not to get angry at myself. That just makes things worse. Another coping device I’ve added, mindfulness meditation. One of the parts that have been most helpful to me is the concept of when a DD starts to flash in during your meditation you push it aside “without judgment” I used to become so angry and irritated at myself for it happening that I lost any relaxation benefit I had gained. Now I am learning to be more forgiving of myself and take it one day at a time. Some of the links are about depression, many with MD also have depression, I think the same strategies can work for both.
videos:
Maladaptive daydreaming- what it has done
http://youtu.be/ZjUEZZZKOL0
Mental Illness: Your Recovery
http://youtu.be/FGtQGN9pSKU
Dealing with Depression Dr Oz
http://youtu.be/7ghwPVVocrI
Articles:
Dealing with depression
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm
How to cope day-to-day
maladaptive daydreaming 
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